


Animorty Cricksing: New Pants

by zorilleerrant



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Canon-Typical Jerry Bashing, Canon-Typical Queerphobia, Canon-Typical Racism, Canon-Typical Sexism, Gen, Mild Sexual Content, Raymond Animal Crossing - Freeform, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:47:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24462244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant
Summary: For the prompt: Pantsless Animals - Rick, Morty, and Summer play Animal Crossing. Beth plays Candy Crush. Jerry yells.
Kudos: 5





	Animorty Cricksing: New Pants

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

SUMMER sits on the left hand side of the couch, one leg over the back of it. She holds a SWITCH. It's the Animal Crossing one, you know, the one with Tommy and Timmy on it, and also she's playing AC on it too. Isabelle is such a sunshine person. She's the best. She's Summer's absolute favorite. How can you not love her. Fuck you.

MORTY sits on the other side of the couch, mostly normally. He's also playing Animal Crossing. His SWITCH is a custom design, with a CAT on it. He ordered it from a place on the internet that does these, like, really cool designs, like you can pick from a whole bunch of them and they don't even charge that much or anything.

BETH sits in the chair, playing on her PHONE.

RICK lies on the ground in front of the table, playing with what is barely recognizable as a SWITCH. Parts of it seem normal, like one of the controllers, but a lot of it is a frankensteined mishmash of bits, both of which were scavenged from totally legitimate and legal sources, and it's covered in tape, because it was just easier that way. His version of AC has nothing out of the ordinary, though. It's just the regular game. What's the point in even playing a game if you have to invent your own version of it, anyway?

JERRY paces back and forth, incensed with the injustice of it all.

JERRY  
But why don't they have any pants?

BETH  
(not looking up)  
Calm down, Jerry. It's just a children's game.

JERRY slams his hands down on the back of the couch, right between SUMMER and MORTY, who started all this.

JERRY  
A CHILDREN's game!? You're telling me this is a game intended for children, and they would put something that..that...salacious into it?

BETH  
Oh, good god....

JERRY  
No, really, Beth. Tell me. Tell me WHY they would - are you playing it? Are you playing it right now?

JERRY drops to his knees in front of BETH, clasping his hands together with a pleading look, hoping that BETH will just listen to this one thing, if nothing else. He just wants this one thing from BETH and then he'll shut up forever if BETH listens to him.

JERRY (CONT'D)  
Am I that repulsive to you, that you have to turn to PANTSLESS animals for love?

BETH  
Animals don't generally wear pants, Jerry.

JERRY stands back up, knocking a picture off the wall and slapping his hand down on it to keep it from falling because he meant to do that so he's on top of it.

JERRY  
Oh, so you're some kind of expert on them now?

BETH  
I mean, I do have a degree in zoology, so in some sense, yes.

JERRY  
Oh, you have a DEGREE. Oh, you're so smart because you went to COLLEGE and learned all about how animals don't wear pants and poor stupid Jerry didn't learn all that fancy stuff and only cares about games teaching our children decent morals instead of sex.

BETH  
What?

JERRY  
Is it a horse?

BETH  
(finally looking up)  
Is what a horse.

JERRY  
Is it a horse that you're leaving me for? That's it, isn't it. My penis is too small so you're leaving me for a cartoon horse with a huge dick that you can see because he REFUSES TO WEAR PANTS LIKE GOD INTENDED.

BETH  
I'm playing Candy Crush.

SUMMER  
Ew, mom. Who plays Candy Crush anymore? Seriously.

JERRY  
You! You're playing the pantsless animal game!

SUMMER  
It's the CROSSING animal game, dad, and the animals not wearing pants isn't even the point.  
(showing the game)  
See? You can fish and stuff.

JERRY  
If it's not the point, why don't any of them have pants??

JERRY slams his hands down on the couch again, and when no one reacts, picks them up and slams them down even harder and let's see them ignore that.

SUMMER  
Some of them have pants. Tom Nook wears pants. Isabelle wears pants. Well, she wears a skirt, because she's fashionable like that. But it still covers her parts and all so it's the same as pants.

MORTY  
I heard that's because Isabelle is a stuck up bitch and a...a cocktease, and also because she's a prude and frigid. And stuff.

SUMMER  
No, Morty, your 4chan friends just hate her because she's a strong woman and would never date them.

MORTY  
Yeah but when girls won't date you that's what makes them a bitch, bitches, that's what makes them bitches, right?

RICK pushes himself up, "SWITCH" dangling from one hand.

RICK  
Technically,  
(burp)  
she is a bitch, but more importantly, my airport has been open for at least half an hour, and I need my fucking flowers watered. I'm trying to breed gold roses here -

JERRY  
Wait, there's BREEDING in this game? Is that even safe?

RICK (CONT'D)  
\- and no one's watering my fucking roses. What's the point of having seven thousand shitty grandkids if not one of them will water your fucking flowers?

SUMMER  
The point is mom doesn't know how to use birth control.

BETH  
Summer!

JERRY  
We know how to use it, we just sometimes, you know, forget.

SUMMER  
I support a woman's right to choose and all, mom, but you make poor life choices, I'm just saying. I mean you're literally playing Candy Crush, right now.

JERRY  
(whining)  
Does no one care about their pants? None of you?

SUMMER  
No, dad. No one cares about their pants or lack thereof.

JERRY  
It IS the lack thereof that's the important part.

MORTY  
(protesting)  
I care.

SUMMER  
Okay, dad, someone cares, Morty cares about their pants! Talk to Morty about how the animals don't wear pants, that should be illuminating. Congrats.

SUMMER flips upside down on the couch, head dangling towards the floor. She almost kicks JERRY in the head as she turns, but she doesn't care, though, because she's busy playing Animal Crossing so you could have maybe left her alone to play it without talking about whether or not the animals are wearing pants, because it's not relevant. It's just not. She's playing, okay? She's playing AC.

JERRY  
Yes, good, good for you, Morty. Son. My son, Morty. It's nice to see we finally agree on SOMETHING. It's nice to know SOMEONE in this household understands why it's inappropriate for all manner of creatures to traipse around, naked as the day they were born from the waist down, as if pointing out exactly what you have to look at.

RICK  
Holy shit, Jerry, it's not sexual. How fucking stupid are you? Is the pants thing genetic, is that why you care, Morty? Are you just trying to suck up to your idiot dad, Morty, because let me tell you, it's not worth it, especially not over something as fucking pointless as whether the animals wear pants, Morty, I mean, how did you even notice. I've been listening to this goddamn conversation and I was like, holy shit, this is a revelation, are they really not wearing pants? And it turns out they aren't! And do you know who gives a good goddamn fuck about it? Morty, apparently!

MORTY  
No, no, he's right -

JERRY  
Thank you!

MORTY  
\- it's, you know, that's part of the fun of the game, so it is important, you know. For some people. It's. The fun part.

JERRY nods victoriously, clapping MORTY on the shoulder, and giving the room a thumbs up. MORTY knows what's up.

RICK  
What, perceiving cartoon animals as sexual?

SUMMER  
You would be surprised, Grandpa Rick. I mean you probably wouldn't be but they're out there.

RICK  
Oh, you're going to look at a little cartoon squirrel, oh, look, oh it has no pants, oh, this little cartoon squirrel has no pants, what is this, is this a come on? Is this little cartoon squirrel coming onto me, by not wearing pants? What should I do?

SUMMER  
Raymond is a cat, not a squirrel.

MORTY  
Shut up, Summer!

SUMMER  
Whatever Morty, everyone knows you want to fuck Raymond Animal Crossing. You don't have to lie about it.

MORTY  
At, at least I don't, you know, at least I don't write fake twitters about how bands are going to, like, group marry me, and have sex with me, in an orgy, in a big orgy and there are like, three cocks in my pussy all at the same time, which isn't even physically possible, even if they are Korean, so I can see why you haven't updated in like four months.

SUMMER  
Oh my god that's private! Why are you even reading my private twitter accounts??

JERRY  
Is this still...the animals not wearing pants? Did they cause twitter too?

MORTY stands up on the couch to make his point, so now everyone will have to look at him, especially SUMMER, who he's standing over, so she has to pay attention to him now, right, and gesticulates with his SWITCH to emphasize his points, because sometimes people talk with their ARMS and it's not weird or anything, that's just how they talk, to, like, emphasize.

MORTY  
It's not private, Summer! It's social media! Everyone can see it forever and you can never delete it, that's why they call it the internet! It's a free country, Summer, people can read stuff on the internet if they want to!

SUMMER  
Yeah, you can read all the porn you want about all of the Animal Crossing characters and now I'm getting ads I don't even want to see, but at least I wrote something! At least I put my creative energy out there into the world! What have you done?

MORTY  
Shut up no I don't, I don't read that. I don't know where that's even coming from, I didn't, I didn't make the ads. I don't know about them.

RICK  
What the fuck, Morty, you can't use private browsing like the rest of us?

SUMMER  
Oh, sure, it's just Grandpa Rick reading it. Or maybe dad's reading it, you know, for research on why the game is so harmful and stuff.

JERRY walks over to BETH and touches her gently on the arm, getting caught on her shirt sleeve and patting it back into place as he disentangles himself.

JERRY  
Beth? Is it you? Tell me it's not you, please.

MORTY  
You don't know! It's not even that creative, do you know how many stories end in the whole band being werewolves and oh look their dicks are shaped like dog dicks oh whoa that's so creative. Like, oh, no, they had to make you their omega, they had to, like, group pregnant you, with their dog penises, that's like, so original, nobody ever saw that before in, like, so many stories, do you know, do you know how many? So it's not even creative.

SUMMER  
No, Morty, how many stories?

MORTY  
That's not even the point! You're trying to make me sound bad! I'm not the one who wants to marry five different people who don't even live in the same country as me because mom sold you into sex slavery for like five dollars.

JERRY  
Beth did what?

SUMMER  
What the fuck that's private! What's your username and how did you even get the password? At least I don't read YOUR porn. At least I want to fuck real humans and not a fake cat!

MORTY  
Stop saying fucking! It's not fucking, we're in love!

RICK  
Holy fuck, I did not see that one coming at all.

JERRY falls to his knees, sobbing. As he speaks, he jabs fingers at each and every person in the room. He blames RICK for introducing the game to their household. He blames RICK.

JERRY  
See, Beth? This is what these games do to our children. Our son is in love with a cat! And our daughter thinks she's in a band!

SUMMER  
(muttering)  
That was only one fic.

BETH  
Yes, dear. We'll talk to them about it at dinner.

MORTY  
Why would they walk around without pants all the time if they weren't trying to say they were available? THINK, Summer. We have chemistry, okay? This wasn't,like, a sudden thing. He was the third one on my island, Summer, we have a connection. It's real, Summer.

JERRY  
Yes, my point exactly. Why WOULD they? Why would they, Beth?

SUMMER  
I can't believe you're coming at me over writing fanfic when you literally think you're in love with a cat.

RICK  
Yeah, Morty, why a cat? I mean your dad's concerned  
(burp)  
\- about the horses on account of their cocks, but I can't imagine cats have particularly large cocks. I mean at least it's not the hamsters, although your dad seems to want to fuck anything that's not wearing pants.

JERRY  
I do not! Other people's attempts to drag me into their sexual immorality don't reflect on me as a person! They're the ones being sexual! In a game for children!

MORTY  
(hugging his SWITCH)  
Look I paid 200 dollars for Raymond so I can do what I want with him, okay?

RICK  
gay

SUMMER  
Wait, as in, like, real money?

MORTY  
It's not gay!

SUMMER  
You spent hundreds of dollars of real life money for a sex cat?

RICK  
That's a boy cat, Morty, although the emphasis here is really on cat, not the other part.

BETH looks up, glancing between SUMMER and MORTY, and then surreptitiously at RICK, who probably wasn't involved, but maybe. But probably not. She looks at SUMMER, who's more likely to give her a straight answer here.

MORTY  
He is not! He's a girl! Girls can use he because it's like feminist or something!

BETH  
Wait, Morty spent hundreds of dollars on WHAT?

RICK  
I mean, he's a cat, though.

SUMMER  
He spent hundreds of dollars getting someone from the internet to give him a fake cartoon cat on a video game so he can dress him up for instagram and furries.

BETH  
Morty, honey, did you spend your own money on this?

MORTY  
Yes, mom, jeez, yes I spent my own money, okay?

BETH  
Leave your brother alone, Summer, he can spend his allowance on stupid shit if he wants to.

JERRY gestures at SUMMER and MORTY and opens his mouth. BETH is not looking at him. Why isn't BETH looking at him. JERRY waves his hands, but BETH won't look at him. Why won't BETH just look at him, BETH?

SUMMER  
Even a sex cat? Oookay.

JERRY  
No! That's not okay! No one should be spending money on the pantsless animals, whether it's the game itself or a specific horse.

MORTY  
Raymond's a cat!

RICK  
Yes, Morty, we're all aware of the catboy you want to fuck.

SUMMER  
Dad's not. He thinks Mom's trying to fuck Roscoe even though she doesn't even play.

MORTY  
He's not a boy! He's a girl!

JERRY  
Who is this Roscoe, and is that true, Beth?

RICK  
No one cares if you're gay, Morty.

SUMMER  
He can like boys without being gay, Grandpa. You'd think you of all people would be trying not to be biphobic.

RICK  
No one on the planet would think that, Summer.

MORTY  
Raymond can be a girl if he wants to! You, you're, you're both bad allies! You're just a bad ally, don't dictate his gender to him!

RICK sets his "SWITCH" down on his chest.

RICK  
What the fuck are you talking about, Morty?

SUMMER  
He's talking about gender non-conformity and trans and nonbinary gender identity, duh.

MORTY  
No I'm not! I'm saying he's a girl, like, just a regular girl, or else he wouldn't want to wear maid dresses all the time, and he does, okay? Look at any of the pictures. Any of the...fan art.

JERRY  
MAID DRESSES? And they sell this game to children? What is it rated? Is this a porn game? Tell me that when they're wearing the maid dresses they're at least covered, you at least can't see their. You know. Their. Stuff.

SUMMER  
Aw, gross Morty. No one wants to see the 'fan art' you jerk off to. I mean they do because it's always trending but ew.

MORTY  
It's not like that! It's just, just, pictures. They're sweet! Okay! Just pure and wholesome pictures, of Raymond in a dress, he likes wearing dresses, because he's a girl.

RICK picks his "SWITCH" back up, staring intently.

SUMMER  
You don't have to be a girl to wear a dress. Don't be stupid.

MORTY  
It's feminist!

SUMMER  
Okay you do know that feminism is a different thing from like having a gender or not having a gender or whatever. Like it's different than just whether or not you wear dresses. It's a philosophy.

RICK  
No one gives a fuck about feminism, Summer.

SUMMER  
Don't I know it.

MORTY  
Shows what you know! It's not even called feminism anymore it's called gender studies and it means that Raymond can wear maid dresses if I want him to.

RICK  
Yeah, Summer, let Morty fuck his gay cat in peace. Don't shame him for being a furry.

MORTY climbs onto the back of the couch, where he teeters because, like, it's steep back there, okay, like he got dizzy, but he didn't almost fall or anything, so like. Shut up.

MORTY  
It's not gay! Gender studies means it's not gay!

RICK  
Morty, I'm trying to terraform here, can you just. Please go fuck your cat somewhere else. Summer how the fuck do I get it to stop erasing my custom paths every time I want to move something?

JERRY  
(shaking Beth)  
Beth, Beth, our son is doing gender studies now! He wants to wear maid dresses! This is what happens, first it's the animals with no pants, and then this! Because you let him play a sex video game Beth! A Japanese sex video game! I mean, it must be Japanese, right? It must be. What other kind of game - he's going to sell himself, Beth! He's going to sell his body for half naked cats!! For sex cats, Beth!!!

SUMMER  
Relax, dad, it's just a regular video game and Raymond is just a regular cat and no one would pay Morty for sex anyway.

MORTY  
He can be a sex cat if he wants to, Summer! Don't shame his body and, and, his sexuality and don't shame my sexuality, and, and, our love. I don't call you a slut for how you want to gangbang half the music industry and I think some of those are girls!

SUMMER  
Lots of them are girls, Morty, girls can play music and be in bands. Deal with it.

SUMMER turns and stretches her legs out where MORTY used to be standing, because Free Real Estate.

RICK  
It makes a lot more sense to fuck a musician than a cat.

MORTY  
Don't cheapen it, Grandpa Rick, you make it sound cheap, it's not cheap, it's not that simple, we're in love, okay? I'm in monogamous love with one cat, who's a girl, who's a girl cat, and I'm in love with him.

RICK  
I mean he is  
(burp)  
a boy, though.

MORTY  
He's a girl! He is a girl, he's just trans or something, I saw it on reddit.

SUMMER  
I have no idea what you think you mean but that, but I'm pretty sure it's, like, wildly offensive.

MORTY  
It's not offensive! How would you know! You think everything's offensive! You get offended when I read your fanfic or, like, like, accidentally look at you when you were in the shower and I said it was an accident when I did it but you didn't didn't believe me that it was an accident and you were like stop looking at me Morty! and you were offended anyway.

JERRY whips around to stare at SUMMER, who he never knew might do that kind of thing. Just...be in the SHOWER. In there. Or even...out of there?

JERRY  
(whispering)  
...with no pants...just like the game...it's too late....

SUMMER  
Um, I know it's offensive because my maverique friend Veronique said that lots of trans people are gay and you can't just be like, oh this cat I like is trans instead of gay, because that's transphobic. Just like asking people what genitals they have, or if they're taking hormones, or when the light is red but you want to drive, but you can't because that's illegal.

RICK  
(squinting at SUMMER)  
What's transphobic?

SUMMER  
When the light is red even though you're trying to drive.

RICK  
Why is that transphobic.

SUMMER  
I don't know I'm just trying to be a good ally!

MORTY  
I don't HAVE to ask what kind of genitals Raymond has because he has a vagina. I've seen it. Tons of people draw it. So I don't have to ask, so it's not even transphobic, how about that?

SUMMER  
It's a vulva, Morty, do you know how hard it would even be to draw a vagina without using a cross section? So I doubt it would be sexy even if someone did try to.

MORTY  
Oh, you're an expert on vulvas now I see how it is.

RICK  
Better than being an expert on fucking cats.

JERRY puts his face directly in front of BETH, trying to look her in the eye but BETH won't look him in the eye, but he talks to her anyway, so there.

JERRY  
...or horses....

SUMMER  
Um, I literally have one, Morty. I did a whole workshop on discovering my inner beauty and getting in touch with my sexual self, so, yes, I am a little bit of an expert on vulvas.

RICK  
Oh, ew, Summer, TMI.

MORTY  
And you're a girl! So now you believe me about Raymond!

SUMMER  
Boys can have vulvas too, dipshit. You can draw a cat any way you want and it doesn't prove anything. You're talking out your ass just to try to convince me that you're smart and woke, but at the end of the day, your boyfriend is still a fake cat on a computer.

MORTY  
Well you can tell your stupid friend with the stupid name that actually Raymond is a girl and to, maybe, shut up! And anyway I don't even play the game on my computer, so maybe, who's the stupid one now? It's you! It's you Summer!

SUMMER  
Their name is Veronique which isn't stupid, it's actually a great name which is super pretty. Not like some names, MORTY.

JERRY  
Which one is Veronique? Is that still the pantsless cat?

MORTY  
I didn't pick it!

SUMMER  
Neither did they, genius. Their parents picked it for them. Wow, for knowing so much about stuff that's feminist-or-something you're pretty terrible at. Just. Everything. Ever.

RICK  
Except fucking cats!

JERRY walks around to BETH's side and leans down so his face is level with hers, close enough that he can see her PHONE where she is actually playing Candy Crush so she wasn't lying about that at least, but BETH can't ignore him forever, BETH. BETH can't ignore him if his mouth is right near her ear, where BETH has to be able to hear him this time!

JERRY  
(loudly)  
Or HORSES. Or fucking HORSES.

BETH  
I don't need to hear about your sexual fantasies, Jerry.

RICK  
(to Summer)  
Has she been blocking out everything Morty says or  
(burps)  
is she pretending right now because I honestly can't tell the difference between them.

SUMMER  
Ugh, I wish I could block out everything he says.

MORTY  
Why can't you just support who I love? I thought love was love, Summer! I thought you just wanted people to be who they are!

RICK  
Wait, I thought this wasn't a gay thing. Make up your mind, Morty.

SUMMER  
Oh my god, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him? Why don't you just get Grandpa Rick to build you a sex robot of Raymond? You love sex robots. You could even have one with both a vulva and a vagina so you could learn the fucking difference. I know you're the one who left that stupid comment. That was you, wasn't it? It was you, Morty. Admit you left that comment. Just admit you left the comment and Grandpa will build you a sex robot of your stupid cat.

RICK  
Yeah, I'm not doing that.

MORTY  
Don't be stupid Summer I don't leave comments. It's weird to leave comments on things you jerk off to that's creepy.

JERRY jumps up triumphantly, pointing directly at MORTY, the only one who's had his back this whole time. MORTY knows what he means. MORTY agrees with him about the animals and how none of them wear PANTS.

JERRY  
Yes! Yes, that's my point! It's creepy! This is the danger we were all warned about, the danger the liberal media doesn't want you to find out about! It is weird and creepy, Morty, thank you!

RICK  
We're not talking about the animals not having pants anymore Jerry. We've moved on.

JERRY  
...and we all agree that it's wrong? Right? We agree that it's wrong for them all to be walking around pantsless in a kids' game?

BETH  
I'm sure all of the animals are wearing pants, Jerry.

SUMMER  
Oh, for fuck's sake, dad, they aren't all pantsless. See, look, here's KK Slider. He's the most popular musician in the whole world, and he's not pantsless at all! This is him.


End file.
